“I have enjoyed and learned and laughed. Thanks for helping us understand more what it means to be naked but not ashamed...” David

Show Me The Numbers

If you’re mentally gnawing the bedpost, rest easy; you’re not alone. Guys routinely tally on self-imposed dungeon walls while silently longing for naked play with a long-term partner.

Last Sex Play

Even we sensitive, zen-feely dudes consider something as left-brained as frequency a sincere measure of erotic quality of life.

So … seriously, how often are you having real sex right now?

“Um … a lot man. Really, a lot!”

Really. Grab a calendar. Last five times skin-to-skin naked play — ink it!

Be honest, and don’t fudge. Next, stand back, look at the calendar and decide how you feel about your sexual frequency as it appears on the page. If you’re pleased, fantastic! Keep doing what you’re doing.

If you’re less than pleased, you have some work to do.

Numbers distinguish reality from mere wishful thinking. Numbers keep us honest on CVs, real estate advertisements and odometers.

Guys quantify to locate the truth. When you ask yourself the question, “When was the last time?” in any scenario, it corrects us from a merely hopeful world to reality with form.

A friend asked me how many days must pass before I become sexually frustrated. To this rather direct question, I replied simply, “about three”. Yes! he shouted and flipped a calendar open to October. He stabbed his finger at the 17th — the last copulatory event of his long-term partnership. It was now March.

When all you have is sexual intention … well, then at the end of the day you only end up with sexual regret. March, for any of us, comes pretty quickly.

Making a Sex Play Plan

My steps to intimacy are pretty simple:

  1. Call your partner by name
  2. Say what you want
  3. Ask what they want
  4. Negotiate and work a plan

While it sounds elementary (and it is) it really works! If naked play with your partner falls off for days or weeks or months and you lay awake night after night chewing your knuckles, you need to do all four steps right away.

Intentions remain intentions until you put them on a schedule. Now they are plans.

Sexual plans remove the burden of wishful thinking from your mind. Once you schedule sex play you create accountability for yourself and your partner. Now, you have the liberty to do the plan, change the plan or cancel the plan. No regrets develop because you decided what you will do.

“No Regrets” Sex Play Calendar Plan

CalendarHere’s an easy way to make your sex play plan work. Try this calendar or create something of your own imagining, but schedule your plan or it remains intention and you’re back to gnawing the bedpost.

  1. Get a calendar to which you and your partner have easy access. A shared Google calendar is great. Hand written is romantically organic!
  2. Have a brainstorming conversation about what you really want from naked play and what your partner wants from naked play. Be specific — say how often you’d like to have sex play and ask your partner how often they’d like to play. Then negotiate something very simple that benefits both of you.
  3. Add the next few intended instances of sex play to the calendar: date, time and amount of time. Start by scheduling out at least a week or two. You can specify what kind of play if you like or leave it to spontaneity.
  4. Either of you can modify the dates or move them. Either of you can add new dates, times and kinds of play to the calendar.
  5. Do not change or remove a play date on the same day it’s scheduled unless you both agree to the change or deletion from the schedule.
  6. Discuss and evaluate your calendar after each month or so until you achieve a more free and frequent ease of conversation about your sex play life. Then you’ll be talking about it all the time anyway.

Now you have a plan! You’ll feel the tension go out of your sex play times simply because the last time wasn’t that long ago and you know when the next time will be. Keep working it.

Photo — DaMongMan / CC BY

Dafne Cholet / CC BY

 

Dear Sean When I Was 15

Letter to Sean

A Letter to My 15-Year-Old Self on Guy Sexuality

Dear Sean,

At first blush this might sound like fatherly patter, but let’s shake that notion straight away. You’re me. You’re me a generation ago. You’re me — a sophomore in high school learning to drive a stick on the column, maintaining decent grades and […]

Happy New Year!

Surly Cross-Check

2013 was decidedly orgasmic. I mean that in both a sexual and life energy sort of way.

If you could step outside of yourself for a couple of weeks, what would you hear yourself saying? I did just that in December 2013 and heard some surprisingly pleasing things. To hear me talk about it, life […]

Anal Fun Was Never So Affordable

It must be a remarkable deal to get me to post a giant banner ad, but this morning at the coffee shop, I saw this deal and I had to share it with you.

You know I’m a fan of Aneros, the famous male prostate massager. Today, and tomorrow–, Monday, Dec. 2nd and Tuesday, Dec. […]

D/s, The Heart of Kink

Blind Domination

Domination and Submission — Cleverly annotated by D/S or D/s. From a galloping horse it’s a kinky lifestyle of power exchange gone berserk. Possibly some feel D/s to be socially unsafe much less pleasurable. Quiz a random, middle-of-the road married couple on the street who’s the dom and who’s the sub in their house. They’ll […]

A Battle of Foreskins

Cut Male

Sometimes they’ve just got you by the foreskin. That little rag of flesh at the end (or which was at the end) of our penises dangles a lot closer to our soul than we know. The crafty male prepuce shamelessly thrusts its way into national and international debate becoming both the subject and the object […]

Dress For Sex—Wear A Condom

Cocks Wear Condoms

Conversation is lively around cartons of fresh colorful condoms ready for distribution at community events, parades and college campuses. We label and packaged them in various ways. We always laugh as we imagine every pre-lubed condom representing a hard and happy cock ready for some fun. Thousands of them.

Our condoms go into Safer Sex […]

Sexless Nights, Sexless Days

sexless nights, sexless days

Why don’t people have sex? A zillion reasons, but you want to know yours. If there’s anything that can make your heart ache, make you sob in your pillow and rehearse scenario after scenario of why and who’s fault, it’s too many nights and days gone sexless. Sexless love gone one day too long whips up a male mental brew of a beautiful relationship gone to hell and a self-image only marginally more desirable than a steaming pile of animal scat. […]

7 Guy Sexual Health Tips For The New Year

Sleep Outdoors

Contrary to what writing instructors teach — write what you know — I usually write what I’m learning. Guy sexual health and New Year’s resolutions are totally occupying my mind right now.

I’m not big into New Years resolutions, but I’m totally into fresh starts. Sexuality is one of those realms of life where it’s […]

How To Observe LGBT History Month

LGBT Love

Don’t get hung up on the letters. They change almost weekly. And don’t get hung up on what they mean. Your sexuality is your history whether it’s LGBT or Q or XYZ. That’s reason enough to consider how you might observe LGBT History Month your way. Whether to you it’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender […]