Seven Conversations With Your Lover

by | Mar 12, 2012 | Sexual Growth

Sexual conversations define the dance floor and choreograph some of the sexual steps we dance. Without them, we stumble over one another’s feet and wander off the floor dejected and even hurt.

Conversations are a dance of understanding; a physical, verbal and social art aimed at synchronous rhythm and expression. They require giving and receiving. They require generosity and gratitude.

Sexual conversations define the dance floor and choreograph some of the sexual steps we dance. Without them, we stumble over one another’s feet and wander off the floor dejected and even hurt. The dance of our sexuality doesn’t feel right, leaves us vulnerable to injury and confines us to a few limited and unsatisfying steps.

Sexual conversations embolden us, seek embrace with another and protect our sexual relationship from injury while they compose a repertoire that provides us with virtual sexual improvisation and thrill.

The only mistake of a sexual conversation is the conversation never had. Here my are seven essential and distinct sexual conversations to have with your lover — not to be enjoyed in one lump but on many occasions with many nuances. You can probably think of seven more, but for now, dance your heart out with these!

Here Are Seven Conversations To Have With Your Lover

The one about mutual consent, trust and respect.

This conversation is number one because it’s the easiest to neglect. Neither you or your partner in a sexual encounter should ever feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s not really difficult to ask or say what’s on your mind.

We get mixed leads from others on this one. Conservatives encourage silence saying don’t have sexual conversations too soon lest it stir your hormones and desire, and lead you to some disastrous sexual acting out. God forbid. Or from the other side we receive messages which suggest you take the silent and bold sexual lead, and your partner will meekly follow. Both are deadly assuming and simply rude.

Design your own venue of trust, understanding and intentionality. This conversation believes that an absence of genital sex is just as intimate as genital sex itself — especially when you respect your partner’s desire. Your own venue of trust respects your and your partner’s right to stigma-free use of contraception. Your own venue of trust agrees to a comfortable and agreeable rhythm and pace of your sexual relationship. Once discussed, it will take you and your lover only where you want to go.

The one about your own feelings, desires, curiosity and masturbation.

Sex is a naturally self-disclosing art especially when you share sex with another. This conversation balances the push and pull of the dance so that you both can participate. In other words, “It takes two to tango.”

It’s no surprise that our natural inclination in Western culture at least is that feelings and desires, sexually expressed, are at best reserved for later and at worst somewhat selfish. As for curiosity, fantasy and masturbation, well, that’s just silly to reveal because it’s just asking for criticism — or so we think.
On the contrary. To not have this conversation is to dance stiff-legged and six feet apart. To not have conversation about your personal sexual qualities leaves you both guessing at best and at worst, grossly misinterpreting one anothers signals.

A sexual conversation about sexual desire and feelings, even saying, “I want” doesn’t mean, “I must have.” It’s simply honest. It doesn’t obligate your partner to anything but rather reveals detail and depth to your sexuality.

A conversation about curiosity, fantasy and masturbation seems to most — simply unwise — even or perhaps especially to those in long-term or married relationships. Many couples simply don’t go there. The longer you wait to begin having this conversation, the more richness of sex you miss.

Thinking You've Tried It All?

To reveal your personal sexual self, some fantasy, the porn you enjoy, the reality of your attraction and how you pleasure yourself when you’re alone, relieves your partner of the burden of the responsibility for your sexual satisfaction. I suspect most guys will never have this conversation and will allow their partner to think that they must be responsible for this guy’s arousal, orgasm and sexual fulfillment.

Proudly, many guys boast that every orgasm of their life occurred only in the righteous compound of their spouse’s vagina — that they have no other sexual thought, intent nor do they desire any. It’s an unreal and unfair burden to lay on a person you purport to love.

If you’ve withheld the personal side of your sexuality for a long time, obviously this conversation is more difficult. Go slow. Be honest. Give your partner some credit for having brains and maturity. You’ll notice after time that you both will have sexual liberation, freedom and adventure.

A huge strength to a sexual relationship is the fascination that your partner has their own personal sexual life, fantasy, desire and experience that they bring to the mix with you.

There is one other reason to have this conversation.

The reason is simple.

You won’t have to lie any more.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own… Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. Robert A. Heinlein

The one that asks clear questions about your partner’s desires and feelings.

More powerful than answers are thoughtfully considered questions when it comes to intimate conversation. Unfortunately, our understanding about our lover’s desire, fantasy and sexual feeling is often little better than a good guess in shell game. It’s true that we learn a lot about what makes our partner feel good and what they enjoy sexually simply by our attentive sexual play. When we touch here, they groan with pleasure. When we stroke there they shudder. So, do it again, right? Duh, right!

Yet while when we cultivate the skill to notice what works, it’s great, but there are limitations. We only learn what our partner likes when we’ve done it. What about when we haven’t done it, yet? And what do we know about our lover’s fantasy life? Fantasy reveals deeper desires not yet played out. While we might not want our fantasy realized in sex play, because some fantasies are best kept … fantasy,  everyone deserves the privilege of revealing their deeper sexual thoughts to someone worthy of that kind of trust. Thoughtful, well-put questions are a gift you can give your lover. They’re a portal to higher level of intimacy.

The one that agrees to cultivate your own unique sexual identity rather than striving to become what others believe is sexually “normal”.

Our sex manuals found new homes at the half price book stores years ago. Actually, I don’t think they paid us anything for them. Probably because the books weren’t worth anything. They did more harm than good.

What’s normal sexually and what’s sexually OK between people has traveled an interesting journey. It’s made it’s way from the end of a wagging finger of “You mind your ways!” to the sex manuals I now don’t own where boundaries of permissibility were religiously and culturally established, to, in the last couple of decades, seminar and church conference rooms where we learned to suppress our sexual desire, agonize over natural fantasy and learn the lofty principles of “purity”, to the most recent manifestation of “normal” — the platforms of ranting religious politicians thinking that voters having creative sex is akin to the horror a two-year-old running with a scissors in a kindergarten full of other child voters.

Thankfully, you and I may freely and creatively sculpt our own sexuality and sexual relating with sexual partners of our choice in the way that suits our uniqueness as humans. Sexual expression and cultivation has as much variation and potential as fine art. This is an important conversation worth oft repetition and enlargement with our lovers. It’s a conversation that saves you from a confining sexuality obligated to the fear of the opinion and criticism of others. Society which surrounds you may continue to live in this fear, but you needn’t. There is no normal, but what’s sexually good for you. Have the conversation. Be aroused.

Sexual CuriosityThe one where you choose ways to cultivate sexual curiosity, exploration, daring, fantasy and adventure in  your love-making.

It’s a conversation that follows the above very well and maybe one saved for when you’re feeling particularly creative. Think sexual brain storming.

None of us want to become sexual automotans: kiss… thrust… release… sleep. This is the conversation where you’re daring enough with your sexual partner to fire up your creative energies and ask, “What if…?” “What if we tried…?” or “Would you be willing to…?”

This is a conversation where prepositions and prepositional phrases are particularly useful. If you’re not acquainted with that part of speech, think of words that modify a sex position or place such as “between”, “outside”, “on the beach” or “on top of”. You can see that with these kinds of words, a conversation can get spicy. Also, try adverbs that end in -ly such as “loudly”, “passionately” or “gently”.

Another word that goes nice with sex, “with”, can help. Here’s where words describing toys and implements can pepper the conversation. Try expressions like “with a cock ring”, “with a leather paddle”, “with warm coconut oil”, or “with my vibrator”.

Follow the Orgasmic Guy rule of experimentation: Try everything at least twice. You won’t be disappointed with this conversation.

The one where you assure your partner that sexual performance is not your goal, and that it’s perfectly OK if things don’t go as expected.

This is the conversation where you deal with things like expectations (yours and theirs), disappointment and obligation. It’s no surprise that many sexual partners blunder through a life of sexual performance only to arrive on the anxious threshold of assumed sexual failure. And neither partner has ever considered the possibility of a sexual relationship free of the expectation of performance. It amazes me that we do this, but we do.

Sex manuals and DVDs promising that — “You’ll learn the techniques to give your partner the most mind-blowing orgasm ever!” or even more crazy… “You’ll satisfy her with your rock-hard manhood every single night!” Ridiculous pressure? I think so. These expression seemingly hot and sexy are nothing but a set-up for disappointment and feelings of failure.

You only fail at sex when you fail to do it.

This honest conversation sets aside sexual expectation and performance in favor of a sexual relationship of exploration, adventure, fun and light-heartedness. Throw the burdens off yourself and your lover and enjoy sex rather than corner yourself with it. Whatever happens, keep at it.

IntentionalThe one where you plan intentional as well as spontaneous sex and don’t save it till seemingly important things are finished and you’re tired.

We want sex to be spontaneous for some reason. Sex in our minds is something that “happens” rather than something that we plan, make time for and do. Here is a sexual conversation where you change that kind of thinking and make the erotic as much a part of your day as dinner and opening your mail. Spontaneity is fun, but when we depend on it to be the catalyst to flash our erotic life, it will likely happen less and less till we’re sexually void.

And why we save sex for the last thing we do before sleep is equally mind-boggling. It’s amazing to fall asleep in a puddle of cum in the arms of your lover, but life can become complicated and sex is set aside because we’re tired. These are the days when it would have been nice to start the day aroused or maybe cleared your head and de-stressed with some mid-day kink.

Our bodies and souls won’t wait for convenient moments to fit in a quicky. We want considered, attentive, intentional sex — sex in the afternoon.

The one where you determine to integrate your sexuality with the rest of your life.

If you’re counting, this is conversation number eight. It’s number eight because this is a conversation with yourself, first. Only then it’s a conversation you want to have with your partner.

Conversations about how sexuality fits in each corner of life occur almost daily. While societal pressure asks us to curb our sexual energy, reason and creation tell us otherwise. We would do well to be more sexual and listen to our bodies, our souls and the divine. Sexual quality and sexual presence are natural richness and body in every aspect of life. Our sexuality tells us how to care for ourselves, relate to others, worship God and create beauty. Our sexuality speaks to us of the value of cooperation, perseverance, respect for the earth and an attending attitude.

Ask often. Listen long. Live sexually.

Photos Flickr / S. Ku
Photos Flickr / Ano Lobb

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