Circle of comfort

Circles of Comfort

We pee in the woods, drink beer, swim naked, and then later tell the absolute truth about ourselves. We can take the bags off our heads and show that we’re no different than the guy sitting in the same glow of a smokey campfire.

Sean Christopher
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We wonder if anyone else is getting sex if they have the same sexual thoughts, the same sexual desires, the same fantasies.

The most comforting words I ever heard were, “Dude, don’t worry. Every son-of-a-bitch does it…”

Sure, I already think I’m a freak, and now you tell me this! Where was the circle of comfort before all this? Where were the guys, the family, the friends that let down their guard and tell you how it is to be a sexual guy?

Let’s not kid ourselves. We think that we’re supposed to just naturally know all about sex. Most of us somehow stumble onto knowing how to orgasm, but beyond that, how to negotiate a sexual journey through life with all of its gender and attraction issues, how to relate sexually to others of the same or opposite sex, and least of all — how to become a lover — remains a mystery for a lot of guys to their last breath.

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The greatest gift any of us can give to men is to be the first to create a new circle of comfort. Simply ask a question.

“So, how’s your sex life going these days? Getting any?”

“Ahh, geez, thanks, I’m good.”

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OK, maybe that’s not the way to broach the subject of a previously benign conversational repertoire consisting mainly of sports scores and fuel economy. Perhaps bring up an article you read, a film you saw or do something novel and be honest about your own relationships. Ask for insight. You never know. Your friend might be waiting for that conversation himself.

No doubt, conversation about sexuality treads on risky terrain, but once you begin to feel safe, you build a trusting community that lifts the pall of secrecy over male sexuality. It’s better for all of us. It’s better for our society’s sexual health.

Throw down the gauntlet and see if you don’t stand shocked that most of the guys with whom you previously danced around the bone-deep issues of sexuality actually walk the same journey as you. You’re just at different stations along the way.

Photos: © Dannyphoto80 |;

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  1. Sean,
    Do you have idea how many years men masturbate in their lives. My late sun-in-law rewsponded that he gave it up after teen age years. He and my daughter had not been sexually active for several years before he died at 42.

    1. Masturbation certainly finds different places in a man’s life as he grows from age to age. Many men masturbate far into old age. Sex isn’t a young man’s pleasure by any means. Men in old age find great pleasure in all kinds of creative ways of expressing sex. Most interesting is when men discover that sex with another and sex with themselves are two completely different pleasures and one need not displace the other.

  2. Martin, thanks for your comment! Indeed, we guys swim in an ocean of sexuality and we’re skittish about the very water we swim in. Thanks for your work. And, yes, you certainly may re-post this article including a credit. Thanks so much for asking and thanks for the link!

  3. OrgasmicGuy, you have a way with words and a knack for making a clear point. In a somewhat different way, my Internet purpose is to also affirm men. I want to affirm men who are grappling with their same-sex attractions, whether he’s a prospective gay, a bisexual or a straight guy with natural curiosities, and even married guys living with a lifelong secret. My blog and my novels are my tools.

    You’re so right; men are sexual creatures but so many don’t know how to recognize it, practice it, or even deal with it. You see it in the things we won’t say, the thoughts and emotions we won’t express, the way we dress (what real man wants to look sexy?), and even the material things we convinced ourselves are important.

    Good work here on bridging that barrier. I rarely add a link to my site, but I have added your blog.

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